Friday, October 29, 2010

so many things to say.

do i have things to blog about?
you betcha.
but where do i begin.
how do i not get too personal.
when everything feels too personal right now.

how do i explain how alone i feel.
how can you feel alone when you are this close to another human.
would you judge me if i tell you sometimes i'm more scared than excited.
that i've had nightmares.
horrible nightmares.

that i'm really scared about getting fat.
it's really difficult for a ex-chubby girl to have to get chubby again.
i'm having problems accepting this new body.

that i feel dead.
or at least i think people think i'm dead.
i know everyone has their own lives.
but when did i disappear off their radar?

that deep down i know this is all i've ever wanted.
a family of my own.
but it doesn't feel real yet.
and this in between thing sucks.

and i feel that i'm abandoning my husband.
will he tire of his fat wife?
do i complian too much.
no, i know i complain too much.

i'm getting through.
one day at a time.
work keeps me distracted.
but at night..
the nightmares return.


  1. sorry to hear that you feel so alone. things will get better, right?! hang in there.

  2. baby ! baby! baby! baby!!!!!!!!!! :) you should be excited :) xoxox, hang in there lover, it will get better!

  3. You are not alone. I have felt the same exact way. I even regained all my weight plus 10. Society makes us feel that if we are thin, it just makes the rest of your life perfect. I have also struggled with self esteem, as is sounds maybe you are. You are a beautiful women inside, where in matters most. I think it is great that you have admitted how you feel. Life is always full of adjustments, some easier than others. I always feel I am in "an in between period. I have only recently realized there is no in between. This is life. I will enjoy one thing each day. Hope the nightmares stop.

  4. It's completely normal to feel this way, especially when none of your close friends have ANY idea how many changes your body is going through. All of the hormones on top of that and all of the changes and growth you have gone through in the past few years is something that is amazing to look back on, don't dwell on it as though it is bad. Sometimes its even hard for our husbands to understand because they just can't relate. If you ever need anything i'm here Holly day or night (especially since I won't be sleeping much in a few weeks)! Whatever you do PLEASE try to enjoy this experience as much as possible because you'll never have another "first pregnancy." Embrace every moment :)